Jokes

[StickieBun]

Me: Knock, Knock.

You: Who's there?

Me: You know.

You: You know who?

Me: Yes! AVADA KADAVRA!




knock knock
whos there
whoo
whoo whoo?
you've got mail

[StickieBun]

My dad told me this at dinner today....


So this string walks into a bar and sits down and tells the Bar tender, "I'll have a Beer."
The Bartender looks at the string and asks, "Are you a string?"
The string replies "Yes."
And the Bar tender sighs and points at the door saying, "We don't serve strings here."
So the string gets up and leaves. Once outside The string becomes aware of how thirsty he really is so he fluffs himself up, hoping he looked like yarn and walks back in, sits down and says, "I'll have a beer."
The Bar tender glances at the string and says, "Aren't you that string?"
"Yeah..." says the string.
The bartender points at the door again, "Get Lost."
So once again the string walks out to the street. and once again he realizes that he really needs a drink, so he ruffles himself up a bit more and twists all around and walks back in announcing that he'll have a beer.
Once again the bar tender looks him up and down and asks, "Are you a string?"
and the string replies "I'm a frayed knot!"

[Star♫]

What do a Tennessee divorce and a Texas tornado have in common?



They both loose a trailer

[StickieBun]

thease 2 robins were eatin a lot of worms and got too full to fly so they decided to sit and bask in the sun, they fell asleep just as a cat walked by ands saw them. the cat gobbled them up and said "I love basken' Ribins!"





ok, this hair styleist was sitting in his salon when a blond walked in wareing headphones, she asked for a haircut and he said "take off your headphones." and she replied, "no i cant or I'll die." not bolleving her he took them off and she fell down dead.
a few weeks later he saw another blond walk in and she was wareing headphomnes, again, he asked her to take them off and she gave him the same reply as the last girl, he took them off her and she died.
this happend three more times and finaly he stated "why dose this keep hapening?" so when another blond came in and died, he put the headphones on and heard: "breath in, breath out, breath in , breath out......"




a duck walks into a bar and askes the bartender "Got any grapes?" "No, ythis is a bar, we only have beer." the bar tender replied. "Oh" said the duck and he walked out, then a few muinets later the duck walked back in and said "Got any grapes?" "No."" the bar tender replied. "Oh" said the duck and he walked out agin. the duck repeats this 5 times and the bar tender looses his temper and yells "NO! no grapes! if you come in here one more time looking for grapes, i'll nail your bill to this bar!" "Oh" the duck said and walked out... an hour later he walks back in and askes "Got any nails?" confused the bar tender said "no" and the duck asked "got any grapes?"




A prist put an add in the paper for a new bell ringer and a man with no arms walks in to apply for the job. "You have no arms, how can you ring the bells in the bell tower?" he asked the man. "I can do it, Father." he keept insisting, so the priest led him to the tower and climed the latter top the bells, he looked back and saw the man climeing with his teeth. when he got to the top, the priest showed him the largest bell. "Ring this and you get the job." so the man stepped back and bent over. then he ran and fast as he could and hit the bell with his head. the man repeated this till it was swinging and ringing, however the man, on his last run missed the bell and ran under it and over the side of the bell tower and fell to the streets.
by the time the priest got down to the man, there was a croud and a police woman. "dose anyone know this man?" shje asked. and the priest replied, "no, but he shure rings a bell!"



wanna hear a dirty joke? Tom fell in the mud!
Wanna hear a clean joke? Tom took a bath!





A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both." "Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"



Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''



So, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are all standing in front of a mirror. They have to say a true statement or get sucked into the mirror. The redhead steps up and says, "I think I'm the prettiest girl ever." She gets sucked into the mirror. The brunette steps up and says, "I think I'm the smartest girl ever." She also gets sucked into the mirror. The blonde walkes up and says, "I think..." And gets sucked into the mirror.



Okay, I have.... a muffin joke!!! So, two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "Wow, it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "AH!!!!! A talking muffin!!!"

[StickieBun]

These are the Emote jokes on WoW. i find some really LOLfull

Alliance
Dwarf female

* "No they're not real, but thanks for noticing."
* "I don't like to be underground. It reminds me of death."
* "I like my ale like I like my men: Dark and rich."
* "It's like my father always used to say: 'Shut up, and get out.' "
* "My Uncle has brass balls, no really!"
* "I give myself a Dutch oven pedicure every night. I've got no foot fungus at all. My toes are pristine."

Dwarf male

* "Hi hooo, hi hooo...ehh...second verse, same as the first."
* "Ahhh, winter...Yes...Winter..."
* "Oh, I'm having a wardrobe malfunction! ('twang') Ooo, there's me hammer."
* "I don't have a drinkin' problem! I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!" (A reference of "Too Hot" by Swollen Members.)
* "I don't drink anymore ... course, I don't drink any less either!"
* "I like my beer like I like my women, stout and bitter."
* "Oh, I'm just a social drinker. Every time someone says, 'I'll have a drink', I say, 'So shall I'!"

Gnome female

* "I apologize profusely for any inconvenience my murderous rampage may have caused."
* "I've discovered that getting pummeled by a blunt weapon can be quite painful."
* "You know...squirrels can be deadly when cornered."
* "Some day, I hope to find the nuggets on a chicken."

Gnome male

* "You know, I really wish I had a garden where I could put a couple of human statues."
* "I think that last vendor short changed me. Oh, that was a bad one."
* "I do hope to find some interesting gadgets around here. I do love tinkering with things."
* "I had an idea for a device that you could put small pieces of bread in to cook, but in the end I really didn't think there'd be much of a market for it."
* "I'd like to give a shout out to my boys in Gnomeregan. Keeping it real Big-T, Snoop-Pup and Little Dees. Y'all are short, but you're real, baby!" (All hip-hop rappers references)
* "I look bigger in those mirrors where things look bigger."

This one has been removed from the game:

* "I like large posteriors and I cannot prevaricate."

Human female

* "Why does everyone automatically assume I know tailoring and cooking?"
* "Do you ever feel like you're not in charge of your own destiny, like...you're being controlled by an invisible hand?"
* "Sometimes, I have trouble CONTROLLING THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!" (A reference to Austin Powers)
* "I like to fart in the tub."
* "Me and my girlfriends exchange clothes all the time; we're all the same size."
* "I can't find anywhere to get my nails done."
* "I can't wait till this quest is done and I can look for another Garibaldi artifact." (This is a reference to the tv show Alias, where Sydney Bristow (played by Jennifer Garner) was often sent around the world to search for the artifacts of Milo Rambaldi.)

Human male

* "Cover for me! I gotta whiz behind a tree."
* "So, an orc walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says 'Hey, where'd you get that?' The parrot says 'Durotar. They've got them all over the place.' "
* "A duck walked into an apothecary and said 'Give me some ChapStick... and put it on my bill!"
* "How does a Tauren hide in a cherry tree? He paints his hooves red!"
* "A guy walked up to me and said 'I'm a tepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tepee, I'm a wigwam!' and I said 'Relax man, you're too tense (two tents)!'"
* "So, I have this idea for a great movie. It's about two gnomes who find a bracelet of power, and they have to take it to the Burning Steppes and cast it into the Cauldron. They form the Brotherhood of the Bracelet. Along the way they're trailed by a murloc named Gottom, who's obsessed with the bracelet, and nine bracelet bogeymen. It could be a three-parter, called 'Ruler of the Bracelet'. The first part would be called 'The Brotherhood of the Bracelet', followed by 'A Couple of Towers', with the climactic ending called 'Hey, the King's Back!'" (reference to the Lord of the Rings Trilogy)

Night Elf female

* "You know, I have to keep moving at night. Or I'll disappear!" (In WC3, Shadowmeld was a passive ability and when the Night elf would stop moving at night, the ability would be activated.)
* "Actually, I'm more of a...Morning Elf."
* "You know, Wisps are actually pretty useful for personal hygiene."
* "I think guys just use the Emerald Dream as an excuse to avoid calling me back."
* "Oh, look, I'm dancing again! I hope all your friends are enjoying the show..."

Night Elf male

* "Last night I went to an awesome stag party." (A stag party is another word for Bachelor Party)
* "You know those Ancient Protectors in Darnassus? They're not that old."
* "Man, I was halfway through the Emerald Dream when I had to pee."
* "Is that thing sharp? Could that thing cut me? I'm... not immortal now you know." (reference to the fact that when the Night Elves destroyed Nordrassil to prevent the return of the Burning Legion, they lost their immortality, as well as the common fantasy legend of Elves being immortal in their forest.)
* "I don't know about you, but I can't understand a thing those Wisps say. I usually just nod."
* "Who wants to live forever?" (reference to the fact that when the Night Elves destroyed Nordrassil to prevent the return of the Burning Legion, they lost their immortality; also the title of one of Queen's greatest hits)
* "What? I didn't hear that." (A reference to elves having big ears and thus better hearing)
* "I don't mind the Gnomes but I'm always worried about tripping over one."

Draenei female

* "Why does everyone have trouble with the name of our people? It sounds just like it is spelled."
* "How exactly do you crash into a planet? That's what I want to know."
* "Yes, they are real, and they can cut glass."
* "Single Draenei female seeks blacksmith with grinding wheel to take care of me and my gorgeous hooves."
* "Look at my hoof! Does this crack look infected to you?"
* "'Stop and ask for directions,' I told him. But 'No, it's inter-dimensional,' he says. 'What can go wrong?'"
* "This planet has a tremendous supply of sandstone. The inhabitants must be wealthy beyond their dreams."
* "I have a wonderful recipe. Bring two gnomes, two eggs. Beat Gnomes, separate the eggs- or was it...eh, details." (Confirmed 1/17/06 as being in-game)
* "Are you thinking what I'm thinking? ...Good! Bring ample supply of butter and goblin jumper cables."

These appear to have been removed since the Burning Crusade beta:

* "Do Gnomes have a vibrate setting? I'm just curious."

Draenei Male

* "What do you mean 'there's an octopus on my face'?"
* "I love this planet! I come here; I see cow and chicken and ride little horsies. THIS PLANET HAS EVERYTHING!"
* "You know, our tails add to our natural balance and agility, ha!" *Loud noise of metal clashing*
* "We have it all figured out. Step One: We land the Exodar. Step Three: We defeat Legion and go home...there is only one detail missing."
* "When we arrived here I lost many jewels that had been in my family for generations. If you could get your hands on my family jewels I would be deeply appreciative."
* "We did not realize, but in Naaru language "Exodar" means 'defective elekk turd'."

Horde
Forsaken female

* "You don't need deodorant when you don't have any armpits!"
* "Yes, they're REAL! They're not mine, but they're real!"
* "I'd paint my toenails, but I'm not sure where they FELL OFF!"
* "Ah, doornails."
* "I heard a knee slapper once, and skipped my kneecap right across a lake."
* "You know, once you're dead, nothin' smells bad anymore. Rotten eggs? No problem. Dead fish? Like a spring breeze."
* "This stinks"
* "I'm in a rotten mood."

Forsaken male

* "Roses are gray, violets are gray, I'm dead and colorblind." (A reference to a poem by Sir Edmund Spencer)
* "I'm dead...and I'm pissed."
* "Hey diddle diddle, the mucous and the spittle. The corpse sank in the lagoon. The murloc said 'mmmmm' to see such a sight, and the dwarf spanked the baboon."
* "Anyone have any odorant? Either 'Wet Dog', 'Fresh Garbage', or 'Low Tide' would do." ('Wet Dog' odorant is a reference to a Monsters, Inc. cartoon)
* "I can't stand the smell of Orcs."

Orc female

* "Darn, I need my chest waxed again!"
* "I'm very feminine. And I'll beat the crap out of ANYONE who disagrees!"
* "What's estrogen? Can you eat it?"
* "I have no respect for people with small piercings. I say go full hog. Put a spear through your head."
* "Man. I think that boar meat's comin back on me. I gotta hit the can. Anyone have a hearthstone?"
* "Get between me and my food, and you'll lose a hand."

Orc male

* (sung)"I come from the Orcs. We eat with spoons and forks. We love to eat our pork!"
* "It's not easy being green." (reference to a song sung by Kermit the frog)
* "Orc smash!" (A reference to the Hulk)
* "Stop poking me! Well, that was okay."
* "Man, dawg, you know, it's like I'm feeling you, but I'm not feeling you, you know?"
* "I will crush and destroy and...ooo...shiny..."

Tauren female

* "One time I laughed so hard I milked all over the floor."
* "You know how hard it is to get your groove on with the spirit of your great grandmother watching over you?"
* "In my native tongue, my name is Dances with Tassels." (reference to movie "Dances with Wolves")
* "Happy Tauren come from Mulgore." (reference to the Happy Cows come from California commercials)

Tauren male

* "Homogenized? No way, I like the ladies."
* "Moo. Are you happy now?"
* "Y’know, Tauren are born hunters. You ever see a Tauren catch a salmon out of a stream? It really is quite exciting. You ever see a Tauren stalk a python? 'Course you haven't. That's because Tauren are so adept at blending in with their surroundings."
* "Here’s the beef!"
* "I know it seems strange, but I'm practically a cow, so why am I wearing leather?"
* "Mess with the bull, you get the horns." (quote from The Breakfast Club)

Troll female

* Da way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but I go through da ribcage!
* Strong halitosis be but one of my feminine traits.
* I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. <spitting sound>. (Reference to West Side Story)
* If cannibalism be wrong, I don't want to be right!
* I got all this, and personality too.

Troll male

* "I've got a shrunken head: I just came out of the pool."
* "I heard if you cut off an extremity it'll regenerate a little bigger. Don't believe it."
* "New Troll here." (This is a reference to Warcraft II; every time a new Troll Axe Thrower was produced by the barracks, it would say "New troll here," to let you know it was ready.)
* "Cooking's done. Stew here!"
* "I like my women dumpy and droopy with halitosis."

This one has been removed from the game:

* "I kill two dwarves in da morning, I kill two dwarves at night,
I kill two dwarves in the afternoon, and then I feel alright.
I kill two dwarves in time of peace and two in time of war,
I kill two dwarves before I kill two dwarves, and then I kill two more." (The Toyes song "Smoke 2 joints", which was covered by Sublime)

Blood Elf female

* "Ugh I hate Thunder Bluff! You can't find a good burger anywhere."
* "So I went to this troll spa the other day and I wound up with dreadlocks and a frigging bone in my nose! I mean come on! Who PAYS for that?"
* "I went to Undercity to get a facial. Ha! Have you seen these people? I said, 'You don't have a lower jaw and you're going to give ME a facial?' She got mad...at least I think she did. You ever heard someone talk without a lower jaw? 'Rawe-rau-werew' Ho-ho! She sounded like a murloc!"
* "Do you think the expansion will make me fat?"
* "So you mean I'm stuck with this hair color?!"
* "How can I miss you if you don't go away?"
* "Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either!"
* "I'm the girl the ESRB warned you about."

Blood Elf male

* "Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to...*angry grunt* Just give me some freakin' magic before I kill somebody!" (This is a reference to the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr; the ending is "...and the wisdom to know the difference")
* "I'm trying to cut back on arcane magic...look, I got the patch."
* "We're allied with the Tauren? Fantastic! We'll be having steak twice a week."
* "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" (Reference to Pussycat Dolls - Dont'Cha)
* (sigh) "I could really use a scrunchy...yeah, you heard me!"
* "So I was in line to the Bat Handler yesterday with some undead guy in front of me and all of the sudden he just lets one go! Didn't even try to disguise it! I don't know what he ate but it did not agree with him. I thought, 'What crawled up YOU and died'"?
* "The problem with these Horde characters is they lack sophistication. *fart noise*"

Other
Voidwalker

* "I...am...Void....where prohibited."

Succubus

* "First, we'll start with a little fire! *Fiery Sound* 'Am I bugging you?' 'I'm not touching you!' 'Am I bugging you?' 'I'm not touching you!!' There, now you're hot AND bothered.
* "Don't touch what you can't afford..."

Felguard

* I play all my records backwards! !sdrawkcab sdrocer ym lla yalp I

Imp

* "You know we've had some real good times together but I really think I should start seeing other warlocks. Just a little on the side. No no no it's not you, it's me. I just really need my space"